Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
