I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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