Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
