Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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