someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
