Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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