im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
