I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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