When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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