I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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