I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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