when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Best friends brother. Beat that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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