I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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