I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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