wanna go halves on a baby?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
