LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
