she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
third nipple confirmed
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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