Already got asked if we're dating
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
