So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
