If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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