I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
