With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
