I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
