please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
