The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Farmville is her only friend.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
