the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
