i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
