i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
