I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
