woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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