I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
