she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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