If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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