i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
