Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
