Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
