Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
