There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
