Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
