made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
