Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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