Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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