Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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