my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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