I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
