you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
