this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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