How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
