so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
