imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
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You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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