I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Less talking, more tequila
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
