just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
