I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
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you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
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We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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