I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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