Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
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So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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