so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
