At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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