True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
