I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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