yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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