If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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